By Nicole Dahmani
Throughout the Tadabbur: Building a Personal Relationship with the Quran course, I set out to explore a deeply personal question: Why do I experience doubt, anxiety, or hesitation in trusting Allah ﷻ’s plan, and how can the Quran help me develop unshakable certainty (yaqeen) in Him? I chose this topic because I sincerely desire a relationship with Allah ﷻ that is rooted in complete trust. While I believe in Allah ﷻ, I have often found my heart struggling to fully feel that belief with certainty. What began as a question about trusting Allah ﷻ ultimately became a journey of confronting myself.
Throughout this course, I struggled in ways I did not expect. More than anything, this experience forced me to take a difficult and honest look at myself—my habits, my inconsistencies, and most importantly, my relationship with both the Quran and Allah ﷻ. There were moments when I felt completely stuck. Even opening the Quran outside of assigned work felt heavy. I wanted to build a connection with Allah ﷻ, yet I found myself unable to take even the first step. This led me to question myself deeply: What is wrong with me? Why do I feel frozen when it comes to something I know is good for me?
The Mirror
As I reflected on my midterm question, I came to a realization that shifted everything: My hesitation in trusting Allah ﷻ was connected to a deeper issue. I did not fully trust myself. I did not trust myself to follow through on the things I claimed to want, and even the things that brought me joy or would bring me closer to Allah ﷻ. I realized that I desired growth and consistency in worship, yet my actions did not always align with those desires. This disconnect created an internal instability that extended into my relationship with Allah ﷻ.
One moment that deeply impacted me was when I came across some old journals. In those entries, I found myself asking Allah ﷻ for the same things I am currently asking for now: to read the Quran daily, to pray on time, to wake up for tahajjud, and to have this amazing morning routine of ʿibāda. What struck me most was that these were not unreachable goals. They were actions within my control, and unlike certain duas that depend entirely on Allah ﷻ’s decree, these goals required effort from me. Wanting to read the Quran daily begins with something simple—opening it. Wanting to pray tahajjud requires intention, preparation, and discipline.
Two Verses That Reshaped Everything
This realization was both humbling and uncomfortable. It forced me to confront a difficult truth: I was asking for things that I was not consistently acting upon. In that moment, a powerful aya came to mind: “O you who believe, why do you say what you do not do? It is most hateful in the sight of Allah ﷻ that you say what you do not do” (Quran 61:2–3). This verse felt deeply personal. It highlighted the gap between my intentions and my actions and made me reflect on how often I expressed a desire for change without taking the necessary steps toward it.
At the same time, another aya grounded my understanding of what needed to happen next: “Indeed, Allah ﷻ will not change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves” (Quran 13:11). Together, these verses reshaped my thinking. It was not enough to want change or even to ask for it. I had to begin aligning my actions with my intentions. This led me to ask a more honest question: How do I change what is within me?
Through the Quran, I began to understand that doubt and anxiety are not necessarily signs of weak faith, but reflections of a heart that has not yet fully aligned belief with action. The Quran acknowledges the human need for reassurance. Even Prophet Ibrāhīm (Abraham) (alayhi al-salām) asked Allah ﷻ to show him how He gives life to the dead—not out of disbelief, but so his heart could be at ease (Quran 2:260). This helped me understand that seeking certainty is part of faith, but it must be accompanied by effort.
I also came to realize that much of my anxiety stemmed from a desire for control. As human beings, we struggle when outcomes do not align with our expectations. Yet Allah ﷻ reminds us: “Perhaps you dislike something and it is good for you; and perhaps you love something, and it is bad for you. And Allah ﷻ knows, while you do not know” (Quran 2:216). This verse challenged me to accept that my perspective is limited, and that trusting Allah ﷻ requires surrendering the need to fully understand everything.
The Science of Self-Trust
As I continued to reflect, I found that, even from a scientific perspective, trust in oneself is built through action. Psychology shows that the brain forms trust through consistent behavior. When a person repeatedly follows through on their intentions, the brain begins to recognize that pattern as reliability, strengthening self-trust. When intentions are not followed by action, the opposite occurs. In this way, I realized that I had unintentionally trained myself not to trust my own intentions.
This insight was especially important in understanding my personal struggle. For individuals who are neurodivergent, initiating tasks and maintaining consistency can be more challenging due to differences in executive functioning. This does not reflect a lack of sincerity, but rather a different way the brain processes motivation and action. Recognizing this allowed me to approach myself with more compassion while still holding myself accountable.
Small Steps, Rewired Hearts
Neuroscience also teaches that small, repeated actions reshape the brain through neuroplasticity. This aligned deeply with the Quranic emphasis on effort and consistency. Allah ﷻ says: “And those who strive for Us–We will surely guide them to Our ways” (Quran 29:69). This verse reassured me that guidance and certainty (yaqeen) are not things we passively wait for; they are developed through striving. Even the smallest actions matter, as Allah ﷻ reminds us: “So whoever does an atom’s weight of good will see it” (Quran 99:7). This shifted my mindset from seeking perfection to valuing consistency.
From this class, I learned how to engage with the Quran in a more meaningful way. Before, my relationship with the Quran was limited, mostly to reading the most popular smaller suras. This course taught me the importance of reflection—of allowing the Quran to speak directly to my experiences and struggles. I learned that the Quran is not distant; it is deeply personal and relevant.
As a result of this journey, I have experienced a shift in how I approach both my faith and myself. I no longer see yaqeen as something that simply appears, but as something that is built over time through action, reflection, and trust. I have begun to take small steps, approaching the Quran more consistently, being more intentional in my prayers, and trying to align my actions with my intentions.
I am still a work in progress. Every day feels like a struggle against my nafs, as I try to become the woman I know I am capable of being, without allowing myself to fall into despair. At times, I felt ashamed when hearing the struggles of other sisters in the class. In comparison, my struggles felt small, yet I was still overwhelmed by them. That realization brought even more frustration with myself.
But I have come to understand that the struggle against the nafs—jihad al-nafs—is not meant to be easy. Shaytan is relentless, and even what seems like a small burden can feel extremely overwhelming. There are moments when I feel stuck, constantly frustrated with myself, as if I am in a cycle I cannot break.
Yet the Quran reminds me: “Do not despair of the mercy of Allah ﷻ” (Quran 39:53). Allah ﷻ does not call us to despair. He did not guide me to Islam only to abandon me. This is my test. And even if it seems small to others, it is real to me.
My hope is that one day, I will come back to this paper and read it not as a reflection of where I am stuck, but as a testimony of how far I have come. That the struggles I face now will no longer feel like a constant weight, but a reminder of the journey that brought me closer to Allah ﷻ. Until then, I continue—imperfectly, but intentionally—trusting that every small step is bringing me closer to the certainty I seek.
This essay was originally submitted as part of Tadabbur: Building a Personal Relationship with the Quran taught by Dr. Zainab Alwani at Ribaat Academic Institute in the Spring 2026 term and is published with the student’s permission.